Thursday, October 22, 2009

The Birds

So holy crap!!! I was driving from Cedar Falls to Ames this morning at like 6:30 am when all of a sudden no less than 8,000 black birds came spiraling out of the ditch in the "school of fish" fashion. They were flying so low as I approached the beast I unconsciously held my hand up in front of my face and squinted my eyes to brace for the probable impact. I seriously thought I was going to kill like 25 birds and then slide off the road into a ravine from all the viscera. Alas, that was not my fate; just a mere threat on my life and sanity. Until next time birds... I'm keeping my eye on you.

Friday, October 9, 2009

P.S. a riddle

This is the second part of the riddle. There are two parts; the first is to find the 1st of a 3 part answer and the 2nd is to find the next riddle. :) Happy Trails

So here we are together again
you and me, my miscible friend

To enter my body would be a treat
by any other name would smell as sweet

above the northernmost US frame
there is no 'e' in your name

Thanksgiving is key to play this game
the first of the brand one not so tame.

Tuesday, September 29, 2009

I only buy Un-fair trade coffee

I have never liked coffee. It is one of those things that smells pretty good (and sometimes really good when you get flavored coffees) but then ruins your day by destroying the image of what it should have tasted like in your head; they all taste like crap. Now some of you, namely my wife, will scowl at this last comment as if I'm some immature little kid who couldn't understand the flavor because it is an acquired taste. An acquired taste says to me I need to build up my taste buds to be able to handle, nay, enjoy the flavor of the item being tasted. I need to alter myself in someway to understand how it can be enjoyable. The old adage "practice makes perfect" could almost be applied to things with an acquired taste. Malarkey I say. The only way I can choke down a cup of this vile bitter liquid is to mix in 2 of those coffeehouse creamers and a packet of sugar and even then a shiver goes down my spine that puckers my asshole. The only reason I would entertain the idea of drinking coffee is if I can't sleep and need to be focused at work and not writing silly blogs!!! Then you get all jirttey and sartt mkanig mtsakies wehn tpinyg.

I started drinking coffee last week :( and I'm so ashamed.

My old boss Stuart taught me a very useful lesson when it comes to making yourself feel better. Whenever he was having a bad day he would do something bad for the environment to ease his pain. For instance, on a particularly bad day I witnessed him using no less than 15 paper towels to clean 1 square foot of counter top. Then he proceeded to throw several batteries in the garbage. I was an Ecology major so my outlet is a little different than destroying the environment. To ease my pain of succumbing to the coffee bandwagon, i decided to only buy unfair trade coffee. Take that poor coffee growers!!!
I'm feeling better already...

Tuesday, September 8, 2009

My daughter is a party animal

My daughter woke up in the middle of the night this last saturday and puked everywhere! "Eww!" you say. Normally I would say that as well but I was still kind of asleep when I brought her to the bathroom. And my wife sneakily followed me and changed the sheets before we got back in the room so it wasn't that bad at all!!! Anywho, the point of the story is my wife and I couldn't sleep afterwards and began to make fun of her.

Nikki: Pfft, lightweight.

Me: I know right!! God I am never inviting her to my party.

Nikki: I kinda feel bad making fun of her while she is sick.

Me: Well maybe she won't drink so much next time

Nikki: (after some silence) I hope she has a hangover, maybe then she will learn.

Me: Let's draw a mustache!

Nikki: OMG do you have a marker!

Me: yeah, but I'm too tired, maybe when she wakes up.

I guess it is a good thing we didn't write on her because the marker I had was a sharpie and i don't think it would have worn off by monday. AND she ended up having to go to the hospital on monday so they probably would have frowned on a big mustache on a two year olds face.

I was lucky. Let this be a lesson: Dont keep sharpies in your house, it could ruin your family.

Update: Daughter is fine now. Just something viral they said... blah blah blah...

Thursday, September 3, 2009

Thanks mom, a.k.a KC at Good Twin-Bad Twin for this Premiere Meme award. In order to post it I need to list 7 personality traits and pass it on to seven other people.

I also received the superior scribbler award from Cat Lady Larew.
Here are the rules Cat Lady sent me for becoming a Superior Scribbler:
*Each Superior Scribbler must in turn pass The Award on to 5 most-deserving Bloggy Friends.
(see below)
*Each Superior Scribbler must link to the author & the name of the blog from whom he/she has received The Award. (In this case. Cat Lady Larew.)
*Each Superior Scribbler must display The Award on his/her blog, and link to This Post, which explains The Award.

*Each Blogger who wins The Superior Scribbler Award must visit this post and add his/her name to the Mr. Linky List. That way, we'll be able to keep up-to-date on everyone who receives This Prestigious Honor!

So I guess in order to display these I need to give it away now. "give it away, give it away, give it away now" and also list some personality traits of my own; seven to be exact.
1) I am dripping with sarcasm and humor even at the most inappropriate times
2) My wife makes me watch "rom-coms". I always complain but, I usually like them in secret

3) I am very absent minded most of the time. I have been known to forget birthdays... and send christmas cards in july.

4) If I ever meet you I will forget who you are; just keep reminding me.
5) I used to be a magician (I don't know if this counts as a trait, but I don't care.)

6) I always trust my gut instinct... Always
7) I sometimes tell people I'm greek without telling them it's only like 1/8th greek. Hey what they don't know won't hurt them.

Now to nominate people who I think are deserving.

Yo Mama's Blog - Because I too have been vandalized by hoodlums with shoe polish

Lora at Fever because I enjoy oompa loompa humor.

f8hasit - because she is a masochist

Yellow Trash Diaries - because she can and will queef given the opportunity

47 And Starting Over - the man of her dreams sounds pretty damned funny

Ron at Vent “Itchy-bitchy, doobie-doobie, da-da, ma, la la!”… need i say more.

To Have a Parsnip because he has some funny ass comics up on there

Now there is also someone else I wanted to mention. She doesn't really blog but she has an art studio online and some of these paintings are very cool and i thought I would share it with you all now. Theresa Maxwell's Studio

Wednesday, September 2, 2009

Annoying Bird recording to keep Birds Away!

WTF! So I go out to lunch with some co-workers and when we park it sounds like there are frickin cock fights happening in the parking lot!! I look around for a moment to realize there is no carnage or violent illegal acts... what the hell is going on!. The sound was coming from the billboard just over the parking lot. These birds were mangling each other it was like watching texas chainsaw massacre with no picture.. You know something bad is happening but your not quite sure what it is. I continue my inquiry with squinting eyes and a puzzled face until one of my co-workers said "thats just a recording to keep birds away" like its no big deal! Like he hears bird slaughters all day and he can just tune it out!!! When we get done eating and were on our way back to the car the supposed "fake" birds are still at it with the same verocity as when we entered the establishment. the reasoning for the speakerswas put this way by one of the guys "at least a recording can't shit on your car." truth at its finest.

However, the fact remains that somebody somewhere had to actually record these birds' battle cries. How does someone get that job "Alright Fred, now what I want you to do is put both birds in the box and then hit record." I picture the boss being kinda fat for some reason with a trucker accent.

I think what I'll do is hire someone to go around exterminating nuissance birds :). Oh yes, this is going to be sweet revenge on the supposed "fake" birds.

Fruit Stripe Gum is Back!!!

Holy crap!!! Fruit strip gum is back! I was driving down the highway when I saw a SEMI with this exact logo, colors and all, painted completely around the trailor. As you can probably imagine, this was indeed the most obnoxious semi to follow - of all time. First of all the sun was in my eyes, thats annoying enough. Second, i felt like a rainbow barfed all over the road and I had to look at it for like 25 minutes!!! I hate barf let alone brightly colored barf in the morning.

I remember getting multiple packs of fruit stripe gum when I was a kid. Not because I liked it so much that I wanted to have multiple packs, but because the flavor was gone after 4 full chew motions. After that it felt like you were chewing cardboard or shoes or something, which is probably why there was a whole semi full of it driving down the road.

Anyway, for any of you closet fruit stipe lovers - we have some left in IOWA.

P.S. Speaking of disappearing candy, has anyone seen Zotz lately?? They were my fav!

Tuesday, August 18, 2009

The Mormans are coming!

It was a warm sunny unsuspecting Sunday evening when I am startled by the sudden burst of my wife through the door. Gasping for air she blurts out, "THE MORMONS!" followed by frantic closing of the blinds because our living room window goes out into the parking lot where the lurking Mormons were waiting. They were talking to some poor fool who was trying to move, and apparently, find Jesus at the same time.
We waited.
And spied.
And waited, until we were certain the Mormons had left. Then we foolishly opened the blinds to let in the sunshine and not more than 30 seconds after, the Mormons walked by and saw my wife and I through the window. "SHIT" Nikki blurts out and runs to the bedroom.
I stood firm and awaited their beckoning knock. Knock, Knock. Even though I tried to prepare myself, I wasn't nearly ready, mentally. I answered to two younger looking men with a smile from ear to ear. "Hi" the obviously dominate of the two says enthusiastically. "Hello" I said with a slight squint in my eye. I neglected to allow them entry into my house so the rest of the conversation was held in the doorway.

The Mormon initiate then explained to me that they were out talking to people about Jesus. He ended his spiel with a question, "So, have you accepted Jesus Christ as your lord and savior?"
"Actually, no" i replied, "I don't believe in god." the quiet mormon was taken aback like he had never heard such blasphemy. The second one responded, "Oh, may I ask why?" to which I calmly responded, "because I have an education."
Now I didn't mean for it to come out the way it sounded and I hope they weren't offended but I'm sure they were cursing me under their breath. Then I fumbled around trying to not sound so snooty about it. "Well, I mean, I am a biologist and I took lots of evolutionary biology classes and in my mind the two don't really mesh very well. The bolder of the two mormons swung his crooked are through the air as if to say we'll get 'em next year. As he did this motion he said, "darn that science." he continued, "Well do you mind if I give you some pamphlets!"
Which I took.

Monday, August 17, 2009

Barney the Death Eater

When I say the name Barney, or in this case it is written and you read it, what kind of horrible feelings are thrust into your bellies. feelings of complete despair or regret for allowing his existence to continue? when the familiar tune "I love you..." starts is your first reaction is to find the nearest pointy object and plunge it generously into your eye sockets? His ability to sour an incredibly nice evening is matched by none except a violent barf-fest in the middle of a romantic evening brought on by the black plague. It is this purple flesh eating monster-turned child loving cuddle bug that I am here to expose! I want people to know they hate barney as much as I do and I won't rest until I have succeeded. Growing up, I argued that I would never allow any of my children, EVER, to watch his disgustingly, obnoxious show.

On a completely unrelated subject I just got a cat and my daughter named him Barney. Shit.

Thursday, August 13, 2009

I Just Now Realized I'm a Loser

Shit. I was sitting at my desk feeding my digital fish and playing with my digital hampster when the notion hit me like Terry Tate Office Linebacker . What the hell happened to me? I used to have real pets that could die if I fed them too much.

Anyway funny story. Nikki was at the library and there was this little kid with long, blone hair down to her shoulders. She was spelling out her name on the magnet wall with letter magnets "MORGAN", it said. Amelia went up and started playing the with letters and Nikki, being the responisble parent she is, stopped amelia and explained, "oh no, honey we have to wait until this nice little girl is done playing with the magnets, then it will be your turn, ok?"
Amelia nodded, but then the little "girl" turned around and said, "I'm not a girl, why did you call me a girl?"

Nikki stunned, "uhhh.... well... it's because you have such long beautiful hair."
At this point an older man, apparently this little sexually ambiguous kid's father who also happened to have the exact same shoulder length lucious hair, approached, "Is everything OK?"

At this, it was coincedentally time to go and Amelia was rushed out the door to the safety of our apartment.

Now I wasn't present to see these PAT's, I'll call them, but I would imagine they looked something like this.

Tuesday, August 11, 2009

Happy Joe's Pizza Attracts Bad Children

So I've come to the conclusion that Happy Joe's Pizza has some of the better pizza I have ever had. "BLT" you say? oh please don't sneer, it's delicious. Bacon, Lettuce, and tomato all atop and flaky light crust with cheese and mayonnaise. It's literally is a huge BLT sandwich. Anyway, they have a bunch of games for kids in this little room about the size of a bathroom. If I had to compare, it would be the red-headed step-child of Chuck-e-Cheese.
You know, the one that gets kept in the crawl space under the stairs and gets fed the scraps of the rest of the fun loving, arcade, pizza joint family.

When I say scraps I mean the idiot children and that somehow end up there.
Anyway, I'm playing with my daughter (actually just aimlessly wondering around trying to keep up with her short attention span) and i watch this probably 6 year old kid put 8 dollars into a guitar hero game. This game is pretty hard especially for a stupid clumsy six year old. Not saying that all 6 year old's are dumb and clumsy just this one in particular. so he proceeds to put dollar after dollar in this machine while his mother is ignoring him and then he goes and grabs his probably 4 year old brother to play with him! These kids can barely hold the damn guitars and they keep putting money into it! Wouldn't you know it, these dense, money gobbling kids, decide after the first game that it's too hard and they run off to play something else.

I happened to have a dollar in my pocket and wanted to play guitar hero myself so i wonder over to the machine and to my surprise there are 28 credits waiting to be used. I look over to my wife and i say "Awesome! Free Guitar hero" and as soon I a hit the start button Nikki glares at me. "you can't just steal that kid's game." and I'm all like "but arcade rules clearly state if you put money into a machine and leave said machine, you also forfeit any credits still available on the machine." her glaring continued. "But its already started" I pleaded "It would be wasted if I just left it". Glare "babe, seriously, if these kids don't know basic arcade etiquette then they deserve to lose their money." She then pulls out the "well what if it was your money and your pizza came and you had to leave it?" and i sneered "pfft! I would leave under the complete assumption that some starving, broke, little helpless child would benefit from playing the game that i willingly left unattended. And Also, I would never put 8 dollars in one machine, that's just bad planning.

Thursday, August 6, 2009

Campbell Roast 2010

So there I was, sitting on the couch, drinking whiskey, and watching sunday night television, when it happened. The most brilliant idea I've had in a long while. To offically Roast my family. Now for those of you who don't know what a roast is I'll explain. (and by those of you I mean YOU mother, because I'm pretty sure you're the only one who reads this. The fact that I still feel the need to explain what a roast is to someone I already know understands it is beyond me.)
A Roast is, according to Wikipedia:
an event in which an individual is subject to publicly bearing comedic insults, praise, outlandish true and untrue stories and heartwarming tributes. The implication being that the roastee is able to take the jokes in good faith and not as serious criticism or insult, and therefore show their good nature. It is seen as a great honor to be roasted, as the individual is surrounded by friends, fans, and well-wishers, who can receive some of the same treatment as well during the course of the evening. The party and presentation itself are both referred to as a roast. The host of the event is called the roastmaster. Anyone who is honored in such a way is said to have been "roasted".
So like i was saying, i was drinking whiskey and i called my mom and i was like "mom! You know what we should totally do!!!" and she was like "What" and i said "we should host a campbell family roast!" long story short we decided to roast our cousin brett.

This is going to be the most fun i've had in my entire life!

the best part is there are so many people to make fun of. I hope they will let me come back for the next reunion.

Tuesday, August 4, 2009

Wonderful New Neighbors

So I just moved (finally) into my new apartment. YAY, and i'm like "Um babe" (thats Nikki) "we don't know anyone!" and she like "I know it sucks, and i have to spend all day with a two year old and im always at the store and library and......" i stopped her "whoa! babe! gotcha!" so the first neighbor I saw I invited over for beer and whiskey. This is sunday night mind you both Ben (neighbor) and I have to work the next morning. So yeah. Suck. It felt like there was one of those cymbal monkeys in my ear all day.

When i went on the internet I was looking for some innocent little cymbal monkey and i found this first. Can you imagine if this was in your head!!!


Friday, July 31, 2009

Horror on the Horizon

Well i just got a new job and i ended up having to move when i started. My wife was unable to join me because she still has one semester of school left before she graduates. I was able to find a wonderful apartment with the help of my mother,, and being the saintly woman that she is she even called up one of her old friends to see if she would take me in for a week or two until my apartment was ready for me.

I arrived in wonderful ames at about 4 pm on sunday july 19 anxiously awaiting the next day when the job started. my car was full of crap that I supposedly couldn't live without and had to take with me. Shelly, my mothers friend, was so excited for me to come that as soon as i arrived she rushed out and started helping me unload various things from the depths of my car.

Shelly: Is that it? (as she pulls the last suitcase from the trunk)

Me: Yup, I think so.

Shelly, pointing accusingly at the trunk: George, what is that?

Me: (blushing as she pulled a box of edible underwear from the darkness) Ummm...

Holy shit I barely even know this woman and now I have to explain why there is not only edible, but crotchless, strawberry flavored, edible, gummy, panties in my trunk.

Me: Ummm... Well that was a practical joke, pay no attention to that!

A good start to a lasting friendship is an awkward silence.

Tuesday, May 12, 2009


I was giving my daughter a bath today and mid-bath I started to notice an abundance of flatulence bubbling up from the already foamy bathwater. I looked at Amelia point-blank and said "If you poop in this tub I swear to you, you will go straight to time-out." Sure enough she waited until my guard was only half up when suddenly she thrust her entire body into the water face first, butt in the air and proceeded to exclaim "SWIMMING!" A sigh of relieve washed over me as I smiled and clapped only to realize I was cheerleading her release of a Play Doh like tube of solid terror disappearing into the mass of bubbles. With this, I snatched her out of the water. She was surprised at my cat-like reflexes, only barely clearing the tail of the corny beast before she was promptly placed on her potty. To add to the confusion, her potty has a sensor that can tell when she has gone to the bathroom, Amelia, dripping water everywhere, realized it began to play the familiar trumpet sounds. She began clapping for herself with a smile blazoned across her face. I stared at both of them contemplating how to address the situation.

One: I told her if she poops she has to go to time out. If I didn't follow through I would be undermining myself.

Two: I should nurture the want to sit on the potty. I ended up just hoping she would forget about the whole time-out thing and ended the bath which I still need to clean up.

This is a picture of Amelia's first poop. A picture foreshadowing the events to come