Tuesday, August 18, 2009

The Mormans are coming!

It was a warm sunny unsuspecting Sunday evening when I am startled by the sudden burst of my wife through the door. Gasping for air she blurts out, "THE MORMONS!" followed by frantic closing of the blinds because our living room window goes out into the parking lot where the lurking Mormons were waiting. They were talking to some poor fool who was trying to move, and apparently, find Jesus at the same time.
We waited.
And spied.
And waited, until we were certain the Mormons had left. Then we foolishly opened the blinds to let in the sunshine and not more than 30 seconds after, the Mormons walked by and saw my wife and I through the window. "SHIT" Nikki blurts out and runs to the bedroom.
I stood firm and awaited their beckoning knock. Knock, Knock. Even though I tried to prepare myself, I wasn't nearly ready, mentally. I answered to two younger looking men with a smile from ear to ear. "Hi" the obviously dominate of the two says enthusiastically. "Hello" I said with a slight squint in my eye. I neglected to allow them entry into my house so the rest of the conversation was held in the doorway.

The Mormon initiate then explained to me that they were out talking to people about Jesus. He ended his spiel with a question, "So, have you accepted Jesus Christ as your lord and savior?"
"Actually, no" i replied, "I don't believe in god." the quiet mormon was taken aback like he had never heard such blasphemy. The second one responded, "Oh, may I ask why?" to which I calmly responded, "because I have an education."
Now I didn't mean for it to come out the way it sounded and I hope they weren't offended but I'm sure they were cursing me under their breath. Then I fumbled around trying to not sound so snooty about it. "Well, I mean, I am a biologist and I took lots of evolutionary biology classes and in my mind the two don't really mesh very well. The bolder of the two mormons swung his crooked are through the air as if to say we'll get 'em next year. As he did this motion he said, "darn that science." he continued, "Well do you mind if I give you some pamphlets!"
Which I took.

Monday, August 17, 2009

Barney the Death Eater

When I say the name Barney, or in this case it is written and you read it, what kind of horrible feelings are thrust into your bellies. feelings of complete despair or regret for allowing his existence to continue? when the familiar tune "I love you..." starts is your first reaction is to find the nearest pointy object and plunge it generously into your eye sockets? His ability to sour an incredibly nice evening is matched by none except a violent barf-fest in the middle of a romantic evening brought on by the black plague. It is this purple flesh eating monster-turned child loving cuddle bug that I am here to expose! I want people to know they hate barney as much as I do and I won't rest until I have succeeded. Growing up, I argued that I would never allow any of my children, EVER, to watch his disgustingly, obnoxious show.

On a completely unrelated subject I just got a cat and my daughter named him Barney. Shit.

Thursday, August 13, 2009

I Just Now Realized I'm a Loser

Shit. I was sitting at my desk feeding my digital fish and playing with my digital hampster when the notion hit me like Terry Tate Office Linebacker . What the hell happened to me? I used to have real pets that could die if I fed them too much.

Anyway funny story. Nikki was at the library and there was this little kid with long, blone hair down to her shoulders. She was spelling out her name on the magnet wall with letter magnets "MORGAN", it said. Amelia went up and started playing the with letters and Nikki, being the responisble parent she is, stopped amelia and explained, "oh no, honey we have to wait until this nice little girl is done playing with the magnets, then it will be your turn, ok?"
Amelia nodded, but then the little "girl" turned around and said, "I'm not a girl, why did you call me a girl?"

Nikki stunned, "uhhh.... well... it's because you have such long beautiful hair."
At this point an older man, apparently this little sexually ambiguous kid's father who also happened to have the exact same shoulder length lucious hair, approached, "Is everything OK?"

At this, it was coincedentally time to go and Amelia was rushed out the door to the safety of our apartment.

Now I wasn't present to see these PAT's, I'll call them, but I would imagine they looked something like this.

Tuesday, August 11, 2009

Happy Joe's Pizza Attracts Bad Children

So I've come to the conclusion that Happy Joe's Pizza has some of the better pizza I have ever had. "BLT" you say? oh please don't sneer, it's delicious. Bacon, Lettuce, and tomato all atop and flaky light crust with cheese and mayonnaise. It's literally is a huge BLT sandwich. Anyway, they have a bunch of games for kids in this little room about the size of a bathroom. If I had to compare, it would be the red-headed step-child of Chuck-e-Cheese.
You know, the one that gets kept in the crawl space under the stairs and gets fed the scraps of the rest of the fun loving, arcade, pizza joint family.

When I say scraps I mean the idiot children and that somehow end up there.
Anyway, I'm playing with my daughter (actually just aimlessly wondering around trying to keep up with her short attention span) and i watch this probably 6 year old kid put 8 dollars into a guitar hero game. This game is pretty hard especially for a stupid clumsy six year old. Not saying that all 6 year old's are dumb and clumsy just this one in particular. so he proceeds to put dollar after dollar in this machine while his mother is ignoring him and then he goes and grabs his probably 4 year old brother to play with him! These kids can barely hold the damn guitars and they keep putting money into it! Wouldn't you know it, these dense, money gobbling kids, decide after the first game that it's too hard and they run off to play something else.

I happened to have a dollar in my pocket and wanted to play guitar hero myself so i wonder over to the machine and to my surprise there are 28 credits waiting to be used. I look over to my wife and i say "Awesome! Free Guitar hero" and as soon I a hit the start button Nikki glares at me. "you can't just steal that kid's game." and I'm all like "but arcade rules clearly state if you put money into a machine and leave said machine, you also forfeit any credits still available on the machine." her glaring continued. "But its already started" I pleaded "It would be wasted if I just left it". Glare "babe, seriously, if these kids don't know basic arcade etiquette then they deserve to lose their money." She then pulls out the "well what if it was your money and your pizza came and you had to leave it?" and i sneered "pfft! I would leave under the complete assumption that some starving, broke, little helpless child would benefit from playing the game that i willingly left unattended. And Also, I would never put 8 dollars in one machine, that's just bad planning.

Thursday, August 6, 2009

Campbell Roast 2010

So there I was, sitting on the couch, drinking whiskey, and watching sunday night television, when it happened. The most brilliant idea I've had in a long while. To offically Roast my family. Now for those of you who don't know what a roast is I'll explain. (and by those of you I mean YOU mother, because I'm pretty sure you're the only one who reads this. The fact that I still feel the need to explain what a roast is to someone I already know understands it is beyond me.)
A Roast is, according to Wikipedia:
an event in which an individual is subject to publicly bearing comedic insults, praise, outlandish true and untrue stories and heartwarming tributes. The implication being that the roastee is able to take the jokes in good faith and not as serious criticism or insult, and therefore show their good nature. It is seen as a great honor to be roasted, as the individual is surrounded by friends, fans, and well-wishers, who can receive some of the same treatment as well during the course of the evening. The party and presentation itself are both referred to as a roast. The host of the event is called the roastmaster. Anyone who is honored in such a way is said to have been "roasted".
So like i was saying, i was drinking whiskey and i called my mom and i was like "mom! You know what we should totally do!!!" and she was like "What" and i said "we should host a campbell family roast!" long story short we decided to roast our cousin brett.

This is going to be the most fun i've had in my entire life!

the best part is there are so many people to make fun of. I hope they will let me come back for the next reunion.

Tuesday, August 4, 2009

Wonderful New Neighbors

So I just moved (finally) into my new apartment. YAY, and i'm like "Um babe" (thats Nikki) "we don't know anyone!" and she like "I know it sucks, and i have to spend all day with a two year old and im always at the store and library and......" i stopped her "whoa! babe! gotcha!" so the first neighbor I saw I invited over for beer and whiskey. This is sunday night mind you both Ben (neighbor) and I have to work the next morning. So yeah. Suck. It felt like there was one of those cymbal monkeys in my ear all day.

When i went on the internet I was looking for some innocent little cymbal monkey and i found this first. Can you imagine if this was in your head!!!